Summer Half Done

Hello

Well, summer is half done and all is good.  I think this has by far been the smoothest that a summer has run since I started living with my new love and now wife.  Although tragity did happen with the passing of out family dog but over all things have been great.

I have been trying to figure out why, what has changed.  The participants are all the same, the location is the same….what changed.

The only thing I can really come up with is that time has passed and all of us are learning more and more about each other and how better to work as a team how to look past our differences and focus more what we have in common.

I will say one thing that has really helped is that my wife and I insist that we all eat dinner together.  Breakfast and lunch are whenever you want it but dinner is required to sit down and have together. 

There is a lot of true to the old saying that breaking bread together brings people and families together.  There has been more than a few dinners where the conversation with nothing more then what the weather was like but at least we were all together.

We have also told the kids that they are always welcome to invite a friend to dinner as well.  This helps create a fun atmosphere and the conversation is always more lively.

New Love and Teenage Kids

Hello

So now that my divorce is 6 years in my rear view mirror I have been fortunate enough to find someone new.  When you are single and in your 20's and you meet someone new and fall in love it is very simple.  When you have an ex-wife, kids, it is considerably more complicated.  Dealing with different personalities and ghost from your past that can(and will) cause issues.

Just because you love the new person in your life and you love your kids does not guaranty they will feel the same way about each other. If you are lucky they will get along and become friends and be able to live under the same roof.

There will be growing pains, and with that there will be times you really feel like the "monkey in the middle".  Your new love with talk to you when she has issues with the kids, the kids will talk to you when they have and issue with your new love, your "ex" will talk to you if she has issues with the kids or your new love......see what I am getting at????  You can avoid a lot of stress if you can get your kids and your new love to talk to each other..............constructively.  Sounds simple when you say it, it is tough to implement.

The big thing is getting them to respect each other and understand that learning to get along makes everyones lives easier and more peaceful.... I like peaceful.

I explained to the kids that my my new wife wasn't going anywhere and to my new wife that the kids are going away either. So the only solution is to learn to get along, and that start with respectful conversation and give and take when living together.  We all have different personalities and likes and dislikes, lets respect those.

It take baby steps for sure, but it is something that grows as it picks up momentum

It is a constant struggle, it requires work.

My Dog

Hello All

I had to put my dog down a couple weeks ago, I don’t think I have ever mentioned him in this blog.  He was my constant companion, he got me through some of the darkest days I have ever had to survive.  

He was always there for me, keep me going, keep me moving.  Unemployed, in a new neighbourhood, without my kids, in an empty house he was there with me.  He gave me a reason to get up in the morning, to get on with life.  When my relationship with the kids was at its worse he was the one connecting bound we could all agree on.

Generally in my post I talk about relationships with the kids and the x-wife.  Now that my dog is done I never realised at the time what a huge part in the healing process out dog played.  As things fell apart in my family our dog was the one thing we could agree on. We would always rally around him, the x-wife was always happy to help out and take care of him.  Bringing the dog with me the kids were always happy to see me when I had him with me.

As I look back now I can't help but think that much of the recovery that has happened is due to our four legged furry friend.   He was the one thing that bound us together.  When conversation was strained a story about what he had been up to always brought smiles to everyone face and broke and tension.

I am sure I will write more about the influence he had on our lives as I look back and Remember.

Top 5 things I had completely wrong when getting Divorced

There are a lot of thing I was told or  believe when I was going into my Separation/Divorce that over time you realised were completely wrong.


1. I will bounce back quick Financially
Oh, I was so wrong about this, 7 years past and I am still not recovered fully, and I am definitely no where near what I would have been if I made a better choice when I got married. It isn't just the initial cost of separation and divorce, it is the on going expenses of being a single parent that make catching up so very hard.

2. Kids will adapt Quickly
Again...wrong.  It takes time to heal. It can't be rushed no matter how hard I tired.  Each kids is an individual and there are always set backs along the way.


3. Kids will love who ever I love right away
Nope, they won't.  This is a strange coming into their lives and taking time with there parent away from them.  The new person has views and habits the kids are not use to and generally are not willing to adapt to the new person quickly.

3. Life will be the same
Just the opposite. Nothing will be the same, I am not saying it is all bad, just everything will be different.

4. I will be happy right away.
There is initial happiness and excitement, then relativity kicks in, extra work, extra cost, time without kids.  It does get better, but again, it takes longer then you think it will.

What is my purpose

Hello

The the kids continue to grow and get more mature. Other then needing money they are independent.

After almost 2 decades of taking care of them it is like I have no purpose.  I still have to work but when I get home what was the usual drive them around or help them with something it is all gone.  I guess this is the part of life where you have to find a hobby to keep busy and not go nuts.

My big issue is that I get home, have dinner then sit on the couch and have a couple beers.  I have gotten very lazy.  I use to complain there was to much to do and the kids constantly needed somethings.....now I have the complete opposite problem.  I have to much time on my hands.

I am glad they are independent and growing up, it would be worse if they still need me completely, but I really need a hobby now and I don't think beer on the couch qualifies as a hobby.

Love the child you have

Hello

This is a little off topic but it was divorce and remarriage that brought me to a point where I am starting to come to grips with that I need to Love the Children I have and not the ones I think they should be.

As children grow they change, and as they change they become their own person, their own personalities with their own interests.  As this happens those evolving personalities will go their own directions and not necessarily be the interest you as a parent have.

I struggled and was frustrated because I kept saying things like.... They should be, why don't they.... When will they.  I wanted them to do things the way I did, like the things I liked, get excited about things I got excited about.  In most cases they didn't, not because they were bad kids, they were just their own kids, own interests.

My frustration grew and grew....why are they not doing and liking what I like.  Finally I have come to grips with that fact they are not little versions of me.  They are unique, they are not me, and that was hard to come to grips with.

I look at my life, I have done some good things and made some bad mistakes, I have been constantly evolving, I was shy as a child and young adult then broke out of it.  my children are still evolving and being like me, and liking what I like does not guaranty them success, so why do i keep pushing my likes on them?

Family events become work.

Hello All

Dealing with events that involve all members of the family, including new spouses can be tricky, complicated and just more work.  This is especially amplified when not everyone gets along.

Lets face it, family events are stressful enough as it is, throw in the extra dimension of people who may not get along and things go from bad to worse. When it is things like moving a Son or Daughter to or from school everyone wants to be involved, leaving someone out will caused bruised feelings. Everyone in tight quarters while packing and unpacking creates a situation just waiting for someone to say something inappropriate of for something to get taken the wrong way and then things go down hill quickly.

The solution(and it ain't a magic bullet), is for the adults to be just that ....Adults.  Remembering that we are there for the kids, that arguments among the adults just makes the kids uncomfortable and no good can come from it.  No kid, no matter their ages wants anything to do with their parents or step parents fighting. when fragmented families get together kids can sense the tension immediately, they know the parents don't want to be in the same room, if they did, they would still be together.

Like I said, the only way to get through this is to be an adult, be a good example to your kids. Take the pressure off them by behaving and being polite.  Be a good example to them of putting someone else needs ahead of your own feelings.

When everything is done you can go home and vent frustration in a productive way.

everyone profits except the poor people who are involved

It can never be understated the financial devastation(and that is not too strong a word) that divorce causes.  There are so many people/business that profit from a family splitting up, it seems everyone profits except the poor people who are involved in the situation and suffering the worst.

When  I have had this discussion before the first thing people jump on is the lawyers.  I have no issues with the job they do, they are there to insure that everything is done civilly and that no one gets taken advantage of.  So, this is article is not to beat up on lawyers.  I don’t hate them, and I don’t love them, they do their jobs as required.  The less I see of them the better and it is for me and my pocket book.  If your spend thousands of dollars on a divorce lawyer that is not their fault, that is yours.

As the family is dissolved the expenses go up and suddenly you need two of everything.  A family together has 1 home phone, 1 cable bill, 1 electric bill, 1 heating bill, has 1 bank account, 1 home insurance policy, pays 1 property tax bill. The one or two incomes coming into the one house pays for all this.

When a family splits up usually the one home is sold and two homes are bought.  Now the income pool is still exactly the same, but it is now paying for 2 home phone, 2 cable bill, 2 electric bill, 2 heating bill, pays fees for 2 bank account, 2 home insurance policy, pays 2 property tax bills, 2 mortgages, furniture for 2 houses…….. see where I am going for this?

So many companies that would normally sell their goods/services to one family now get to sell to two.  Parents feed into this as well because I know when I started out on my own that if they kids had something at Mom’s I had to have it at my place.

So the expenses have doubled, the income has not. And this is something that unless the Lotto God’s smile on you that you will never recover from.

How I have Changed in 6 years

Hello All

It is amazing how looking back how much I have changed over the past 6 years, when I was in the middle of it I didn't realise what was going on, or that it was even happening. I wish I could take credit for it being part of my grand plan but a lot of it was just dumb luck.

Here are 4 different situation that happen and how my reaction has changed.


Situation 1: Kids were not coming over for the weekend.

Before, OMG, what did I do wrong, don't they love me any more, They have to come over it is my weekend. What did my X tell them.

Now, Glad they are having fun and busy doing something that interest them, I know they still love me, it has nothing to do with the X.

Situation 2: Kids having Fun with the X

Before, I have to think of a way to be more fun then her, why don't they have fun with me, they have forgotten about me and don't love me any more.

Now, Glad they are having a good time with their Mom.

Situation 3: Did hear from the Kids for a few days

Before, they don't want to talk to me anymore, they don't love me, what did my X say to them to cause this, what have I done wrong?

Now, Glad they have their won lives and interests to keep them busy and they have friends to hang out with.

Situation 4: Home alone

Before, I am so lonely, what have I done to deserve this?

Now, Time to clean the house, walk the dogs and then relax and have a Beer.


My have things changed.

How do you explain to your kids that it would have been worse if we stayed together

Hello

I can talk fairly easily to my X now, as long as we avoid talking about the our personal past together and avoid discuss that involves laying blame for who did what.  It is done, and no amount of arguing will change anything or make any difference other then raising both our blood pressures.

Being single parents does make aspects of life more difficult, financially it is harder and there is more demands on your time when you are with the kids when they are younger.

But, both my X and I agree that if we stayed together things would have been way worse. We are both happy now, enjoy life with and without the kids, we both struggled for quite a while adjusting to not having the kids around.  Now we are both okay.  We are both confident that if we stayed together the atmosphere in the house would be intolerable. I am confident that the fights would be none stop and both of us would have been tense all the time.

But how do you explain to the kids.  Kids will believe that everything would have been great if my parents stayed together. Part of that is true, I believe a 2 parent family is better IF and only IF the parents get along.  If they can't it is worse, I believe way worse.

I have tried very hard through this entire adventure to divorce to never bad mouth the kids Mother. I think that has given the kids the impression that everything was good between me and my X.

How do I explain to them that it would have been terrible if the two of us were under the same roof.

Just because you love a new partner does not mean your kids will

Hello


I have a new love in my life, I love her but it doesn't mean that my kids will, in fact there is a really good chance they won't.   But that is okay.

The worst thing you can do is to become frustrated or angry at your kids for not feeling the same way towards your new partner as you do. you can't force love and if you try what will likely happen is your will make it even worse.  Let face it, it works both ways, my kids have friends they like and I really don't.

If your lucky everyone will get along and cohabitation will go semi smoothly.  This will vary with the age of the kids, toddlers will be easier them hormonal teens.

the key is not to force it, there will be time you do stuff with your kids and your new partner will not be involved, and that is fine.  You will do things with your new partner and not the kids and that is equally fine.

Your new partner can't take it personally if the kids don't want to be around them all the time.  Even as parents there are plenty of time that our kids don't want to be around us.

You can't force a happy home life.  family dynamics change and sometimes they ae good and other times it is awful.  the key is to let things develop on their own.  Only stepping in if someone is being rude or disrespectful.

Parenting is a journey not a destination

Hello

One mistake I made early on when I just got divorced was to over react when my kids were doing the slights thing that didn't seem "right"  I was over analysing they every mood, their very habit or action. Not realising that a single day in a bad mood was going to have absolutely zero effect on how they were going to grow up to be adults.  If they were going through a phase where they were slobs or dressed weird it was just that...... a phase and didn't need to be immediately corrected. if left alone the phase would pass in time and just be a funny story after time had past.  Immediately trying to correct the behaviour would make the kids rebel and entrench it even further.

We expect our kids to be perfect all the time otherwise we start thinking it is a reaction to the divorce instead of realising it is just a phase they are going through.  Kids need the ability and time to "find themselves" a chance to discover who they are and develop personality.  Correcting them at every turns ensure they will never develop skills to be on there own and make life choices on there own.

Kids now a days(and I am so guilty of it) are overly Micro Managed.  If our bosses Micro Managed us like we do out kids I am confident we would all quit our jobs. If just puts incredible pressure on these kids to not screw up. they are so worried about making a mistake that they may not try.  They need to make mistakes to learn.

I have learned to back off with them, I realise that even if they are mad at me, or don't want to see me it is just a phase.  I give them time and space and they eventually do the right thing(usually after doing it wrong the first time).  They are learning, I tell them all the time that they need to make decisions on their own, I am here to provide advice if they want it, but only if they want it.

It is hard, but i am getting there....and so are they.

Many many parents(including myself) over compensate

Hello All,

Many many parents(including myself) over compensate when it comes to their kids to make up for the pain and turmoil caused by divorce. We feel guilty for what has happened. We try and do too much for them because we are so worried that if we are strict parents that we will lose our kids to the former spouse.  It can develop into a battle between the two “X”’s to see who is the “cool” parent.  All the while the kids are not learning discipline and are not being taught the lessons of life and to be self-sufficient.

As parents we loose long term perspective on raising kids, we think they have to be perfect all the time and happy.  Kid wakes up one morning sad and we think the needs to be on meds or go to the therapist.  this is a topic all on its on which I will get to next time....or the time after that.

back to the topic at hand.

On top of this I have also discovered another area where kids are lacking because of this over compensation by parents..  They can’t handle friendly ribbing, busting balls, busting each other chops…..whatever you want to call it.  They are so use to being told how great they are that they don’t know how to handle good natured ribbing, they are incapable of laughing at themselves.  

As you go through life you will make mistakes, be embarrassed, screw things up and if you can't laugh at yourself and take the ribbing you will not survive.  You have to be able to handle it as well as you dish it out.

It is a true art to not only be able to throughout a verbal barb but to be able to take one and laugh it off and fire back a witty comment.  This is a learned skill, you pick up from parents and friends. 

Prior to the split up I would poke fun at my kids(not in a mean way) and they would do the same to me.  Once the divorce happened I stopped doing it because I was so worried.  This was a complete disservice to them.  

I have luckily be able to repair not only my relationship with them but also my own self confidence that the kids(actually young adults now) can joke around once again.

  

Old Habits are hard to Break

Some Habits die hard.

I have an issue of always trying to keep the peace, Must always keep the peace,....at all cost. Well, the only real cost is that I run myself ragged trying to accomplish this.

It took me a long time to realise that if my kids or wife get mad at me about something it doesn't mean that they are going to leave me. Getting mad is not the issue, it is how it is handled.  I unfortunately thought that avoiding situations that would upset someone was the best way to go.....boy was I wrong. it eventually just makes things worse...way worse.

So when I started a new relationship, and rebuilt my relationship with the kids I was honest even if it meant upsetting them.  I wan't mean, just honest, if I didn't like something they did I told them, in the past I just would have held it inside.

I worked hard at it, got much better. Lately I found myself falling on bad habits again. Its like when you stop going to the gym or cheat on a diet. We all do it, it is so easy to go back to something familiar no matter how dysfunctional or counter productive it is.

So I am back on the wagon so to speak, back to better habits, honesty and not being afraid to express what I feel, as long as it is done respectfully.

don't be fooled

Hello

So, things are good with my X currently. it might be because she lives an hours drive from me, might be because we only talk a couple time s a week and it is only about the kids.

I have friends who comment on how good things are with their X spouse and maybe they should have stayed together.  Don't be fooled the only reason things are good is because yo are not together and there is distance now.

get to the point where you can be okay with the X and there is no more burning anger or animosity not only brings down your blood pressure but more importantly it take pressure off the kids.

If the parents are health and happy the kids will follow your lead and get there as well. I am not saying that it will solve all problems, kids will still have issues dealing with a broken home but it goes a long way to getting them to a better place.  If you are healthy,happy and independent your kids won't worry about you of feel that they have to care for you.  Kids need to be kids, they don't need to be worrying if one or both of their parents are okay.

Once my kid stopped worrying about me and my X, once they saw that we were okay they went back to being young adults and you could see them grow and mature as people.  Kids can't grow up and enjoy their lives and experience things as they should if they are worrying about their parent(s).

So, put the bitterness behind you, you can't change the past and don't waste the time you have tiring to change it...you can't.

do yourself and your kids a favour, forgive, forget and start to enjoy again.