Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Year

Hello All

The beginning of a new year gives us a chance to reflect.  This is my second new year being separated.  Last year at this time I was unemployed, recently separated and missing my kids incredibly as I sat in my mostly empty house.  I had no job prospects and the money was starting to run out.  I continued to pay child support with money I didn't have but I didn't want the kids to suffer. Oh and I was feeling very lonely

This year, I have a job,  I am slowly filling up the house, I have the kids this New Years eve,  I have "head hunters" calling me offer potential jobs,  I have got a new to me car.  I am no longer lonely, I have reconnected with my children and I have also reconnected with some friends as well.  

Things have turned around.  It is true that you have to hit rock bottom before you can climb up,  I hit rock bottom back in February 2010,  I will tell you about it in another post in the new year.  I am proud that I have managed to climb my way back, it was not easy, I have stuck to a few principles I felt were important and they have paid off.  I have adjusted to the new reality of being separated.

I know that I am on the right path but I still have a long way to go,  this is a marathon not a sprint.  I have goals set out and I am working on a plan to achieve them.


To anyone out there that is going through separation/divorce and you are wondering if you can make it...the answer is YES.  Hold true to what you believe is right,  getting out of a negative relationship takes time to recover from.  Don't fall back into bad habits,  avoid getting into a relationship with someone who is like your "X".  I almost did it, and I look back now it would have been a disaster.  Believe in yourself and things will turn around for you.

Just because things look dark today does not mean they will tomorrow.  Change is the one constant in the Universe

Happy New Year All.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

It is just not fair

Sometimes it is just not fair.

I know I have stated this before but it needs repeating. 

It does not pay to be the primary "bread winner" when it comes to separation/divorce.  The law does not discriminate between males and females which is great, but it does discriminate against people who have worked hard and make more money.  The system definitely favours the lazy.

I work hard so that she gets to spend more time with my kids.  I work all summer so she can have summer off.  Why am I punished,  because I get up early,  have to travel further to make a decent living.  My reward for making more money?, I get the joy of paying   my X even more and I get even less time with the kids because I have to work.

It is ironic that someone who said that she no longer wanted to be with me still needs me to survive financially.  She wants to be a Single Parent.....but still wants the financial security that I provide.

I have worked hard all my life and provided for my family, but now all I get to do is pay and pay.

It has been a year since my separation, I have lost so much time with my kids over the past year.  Time that can never be replaced.

Am I bitter,  yes,  but how can someone not be bitter when they have lost time with their kids.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Time missed

It has been about a year that I have been on my own. I thought the bitterness of separation would have faded by now but it has not.

There is not  a day that goes past that I don't miss having my kids with me all the time.  All I ever wanted out of life was to raise my kids and spend every possible moment with them. To have a sense of family,  to watch them grow up.

That has all been taken away from me.  In the past year I have felt I have missed so much of there lives.  Why,  why has this been taken away from me.  I asked to work thing out but she refused. 

People say that you should not stay together because of the kids.....I think that is wrong.  I think that you should work on fixing things because of the kids.

I wonder if the feeling of being cheat, the resentment ever goes away.  I try so hard to get over it, but I just can't shake the feeling.  the feeling of being cheated out of the only think I ever wanted in life.

When I have the kids every other weekend I spend every moment with them.  I have put my own personal life on hold to spend time with them. 

They say that time heal all wounds but I can't see time ever healing this,  if anything time seems to make it worse.  When every I see my "X" all I can think is "....you have taken from me the only thing I ever wanted in life, you have stolen time I could have with my kids and I can never get that back...."  I don't think I will ever stop feeling that.

Friday, September 10, 2010

8 cold hard truths about separation/divorce



Hello


These are the 8 things that are unfortunate cold hard truths about separation, no matter how amicable it might be.


This list does not apply to people who are in abusive relationships. This is intended for marriages that break up because one or both people were "not happy"



1.) It will hurt emotionally, there is no way around this.  You will question your decision on many a dark lonely night.  There will be times that you are alone without the kids and you will wonder if there could have been some way to save things.  You will second guess decision and replay fights in your mind, aksing youself whit if I had said something different.

2.) It will hurt financially. Mos middle class people I know live pay cheque to pay cheque,  be prepared to live on a much smaller pay cheque.  It will strain your finances to the limit.  You will feel the pinch when you disposable income takes a really hit for a very very long time. No body is better off financially after a separation.

3.)The real looser out of the entire thing...the kids.  Unless it is an abusive relationship kids have nothing to gain and everything to loose by parents separating.  They loose time with there parents, the will loose financially in the long run, they will suffer emtionally.  To you your spouse is just some stranger you met one day....to the kids that is there Mom or Dad they now have to live without.

4.)here is no winners and losers....only losers in various degrees.  even between the two parents no one winds.  Life will become harder, more work and having to do more with fewer resources and less time.

5.)It will forever haunt you as you try and enter a new relationship.  Memories of past realtionships will haunt your new ones.  If you "X" cheatted on you, then you will look and wonder if your new partner is cheating on you.....you will think,.."it happend to me once, it could happen again."

6.)You will loose friends.  Some friends will take your X's side.  If there were couples that you would socialize with you will feel uncomforatbe with them because you are single.  Some friends will find it hard to deal with the situation and avoid you.

7.)It is work..lots of it.  suddenly you will be responsible for every task around the house.  If you have two or more kids it because hard because only one kid at a time will get attention.

8.)If you have kids you will still have to deal with your "X".  You may no longer have to live with you "X" but you will still have to deal with them. When kids are involved you will want to be involved with them and the decisions that surround them.  This means you will still ahve to discuss things with your "X".





Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Loneliness

Hello All




Of all the things that hurt going through a separation/divorce, the emotional battles, the financial strain, the lack of sleep and constant worries, the wondering if this was the right thing to do, the biggest thing I have had to battle and that has caused me the most pain is loneliness.


If you are one of those people who likes to be alone then divorce was made for you. One of the biggest things you get out of it is alone time. I on the other hand hate to be alone. I like having company, the sound of someone else in the house. If it was not for my dog Charlie I think I would have lost my mind by now.





It has almost been a year now that I have been on my own and I still just can't get use to the idea of not having my kids in my house every night. It is still painful but not nearly as bad as it was a year ago. I have felt emotional pain before, being dumped when you are dating someone, the lose of parents passing away, but nothing compared to the emotion trauma of not being with my kids. I am confident that it has left a scare that will never fully heal. I will never be able to recapture the time I have missed not being with them every night.





Out of all the things lost with the separation/divorces I have gotten over the loss of income, saving, the house, some friends, even the hurtful things said by my "X" I have gotten over but I have never gotten over not having my kids around all the time.





I try and make the most of the time I do have with them, and make sure they know I love them and miss them.

Monday, September 6, 2010

It doesn't pay

I know that this will piss off some people, but this is just how things look to me right now.

It doesn't pay to be an involved Dad and primary bread winner when it comes to separation and divorce.

When I was married I was a very involved Dad raising my children. I changed diapers, I stayed up late at nights when they were sick, play with them, and took them places. Now I know that this is just part of being good Dad, I did what I should have done. I don't expect any kinds special prize for it. But what hurts is that I was also the primary bread winner, which meant more time at work and traveling into the city to go where the high paying jobs are.

Now that I am separated I am trapped, I have to continue to work downtown to earn a good income so that I can continue support my kids and myself. But because they don't live with me I work and don't see them when I get home from work. Now I come home to an empty house, and miss them terribly. But like I said I am trapped, I want to keep my kids in their current area and to do that I have to travel to get to work.

It can be very frustrating.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

I have returned

Hello All

I started this blog when I was first going through the pains of separation and having to deal with all the issues that went along with it. I documented my pain and suffering, the trials and tribulation, the defeats and victories. Then one day I woke up and realized that I had to let go of the past for a while, I could not keep rehashing it, it was taking a mental and a physical toll on me. So I deleted the blog, and yes I regret doing it.

But now I am ready to start again. The wounds have healed and I am starting a new life with a better perspective on what went wrong before and determined to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them again. This is probably easier said then done….but I will try.

I will post again soon and start telling you all about the issues and concerns being a single part time parent. I will also share what I have learned going through the separation so hopefully you can learn from my mistakes ( and I made a lot of them) and not repeat them.

Talk to you soon