Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Summer Half Done



Hello

Well, summer is half done and all is good.  I think this has by far been the smoothest that a summer has run since I started living with my new love and now wife.  Although tragity did happen with the passing of out family dog but over all things have been great.

I have been trying to figure out why, what has changed.  The participants are all the same, the location is the same….what changed.

The only thing I can really come up with is that time has passed and all of us are learning more and more about each other and how better to work as a team how to look past our differences and focus more what we have in common.

I will say one thing that has really helped is that my wife and I insist that we all eat dinner together.  Breakfast and lunch are whenever you want it but dinner is required to sit down and have together. 

There is a lot of true to the old saying that breaking bread together brings people and families together.  There has been more than a few dinners where the conversation with nothing more then what the weather was like but at least we were all together.

We have also told the kids that they are always welcome to invite a friend to dinner as well.  This helps create a fun atmosphere and the conversation is always more lively.




Wednesday, July 19, 2017

New Love and Teenage Kids

Hello

So now that my divorce is 6 years in my rear view mirror I have been fortunate enough to find someone new.  When you are single and in your 20's and you meet someone new and fall in love it is very simple.  When you have an ex-wife, kids, it is considerably more complicated.  Dealing with different personalities and ghost from your past that can(and will) cause issues.

Just because you love the new person in your life and you love your kids does not guaranty they will feel the same way about each other. If you are lucky they will get along and become friends and be able to live under the same roof.

There will be growing pains, and with that there will be times you really feel like the "monkey in the middle".  Your new love with talk to you when she has issues with the kids, the kids will talk to you when they have and issue with your new love, your "ex" will talk to you if she has issues with the kids or your new love......see what I am getting at????  You can avoid a lot of stress if you can get your kids and your new love to talk to each other..............constructively.  Sounds simple when you say it, it is tough to implement.

The big thing is getting them to respect each other and understand that learning to get along makes everyones lives easier and more peaceful.... I like peaceful.

I explained to the kids that my my new wife wasn't going anywhere and to my new wife that the kids are going away either. So the only solution is to learn to get along, and that start with respectful conversation and give and take when living together.  We all have different personalities and likes and dislikes, lets respect those.

It take baby steps for sure, but it is something that grows as it picks up momentum

It is a constant struggle, it requires work.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

My Dog


Hello All

I had to put my dog down a couple weeks ago, I don’t think I have ever mentioned him in this blog.  He was my constant companion, he got me through some of the darkest days I have ever had to survive.  

He was always there for me, keep me going, keep me moving.  Unemployed, in a new neighbourhood, without my kids, in an empty house he was there with me.  He gave me a reason to get up in the morning, to get on with life.  When my relationship with the kids was at its worse he was the one connecting bound we could all agree on.


Generally in my post I talk about relationships with the kids and the x-wife.  Now that my dog is done I never realised at the time what a huge part in the healing process out dog played.  As things fell apart in my family our dog was the one thing we could agree on. We would always rally around him, the x-wife was always happy to help out and take care of him.  Bringing the dog with me the kids were always happy to see me when I had him with me.

As I look back now I can't help but think that much of the recovery that has happened is due to our four legged furry friend.   He was the one thing that bound us together.  When conversation was strained a story about what he had been up to always brought smiles to everyone face and broke and tension.

I am sure I will write more about the influence he had on our lives as I look back and Remember.




Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Top 5 things I had completely wrong when getting Divorced


There are a lot of thing I was told or  believe when I was going into my Separation/Divorce that over time you realised were completely wrong.


1. I will bounce back quick Financially
Oh, I was so wrong about this, 7 years past and I am still not recovered fully, and I am definitely no where near what I would have been if I made a better choice when I got married. It isn't just the initial cost of separation and divorce, it is the on going expenses of being a single parent that make catching up so very hard.

2. Kids will adapt Quickly
Again...wrong.  It takes time to heal. It can't be rushed no matter how hard I tired.  Each kids is an individual and there are always set backs along the way.


3. Kids will love who ever I love right away
Nope, they won't.  This is a strange coming into their lives and taking time with there parent away from them.  The new person has views and habits the kids are not use to and generally are not willing to adapt to the new person quickly.

3. Life will be the same
Just the opposite. Nothing will be the same, I am not saying it is all bad, just everything will be different.

4. I will be happy right away.
There is initial happiness and excitement, then relativity kicks in, extra work, extra cost, time without kids.  It does get better, but again, it takes longer then you think it will.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

What is my purpose

Hello

The the kids continue to grow and get more mature. Other then needing money they are independent.

After almost 2 decades of taking care of them it is like I have no purpose.  I still have to work but when I get home what was the usual drive them around or help them with something it is all gone.  I guess this is the part of life where you have to find a hobby to keep busy and not go nuts.

My big issue is that I get home, have dinner then sit on the couch and have a couple beers.  I have gotten very lazy.  I use to complain there was to much to do and the kids constantly needed somethings.....now I have the complete opposite problem.  I have to much time on my hands.

I am glad they are independent and growing up, it would be worse if they still need me completely, but I really need a hobby now and I don't think beer on the couch qualifies as a hobby.


Friday, June 16, 2017

Love the child you have

Hello

This is a little off topic but it was divorce and remarriage that brought me to a point where I am starting to come to grips with that I need to Love the Children I have and not the ones I think they should be.

As children grow they change, and as they change they become their own person, their own personalities with their own interests.  As this happens those evolving personalities will go their own directions and not necessarily be the interest you as a parent have.

I struggled and was frustrated because I kept saying things like.... They should be, why don't they.... When will they.  I wanted them to do things the way I did, like the things I liked, get excited about things I got excited about.  In most cases they didn't, not because they were bad kids, they were just their own kids, own interests.

My frustration grew and grew....why are they not doing and liking what I like.  Finally I have come to grips with that fact they are not little versions of me.  They are unique, they are not me, and that was hard to come to grips with.

I look at my life, I have done some good things and made some bad mistakes, I have been constantly evolving, I was shy as a child and young adult then broke out of it.  my children are still evolving and being like me, and liking what I like does not guaranty them success, so why do i keep pushing my likes on them?




Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Family events become work.


Hello All

Dealing with events that involve all members of the family, including new spouses can be tricky, complicated and just more work.  This is especially amplified when not everyone gets along.

Lets face it, family events are stressful enough as it is, throw in the extra dimension of people who may not get along and things go from bad to worse. When it is things like moving a Son or Daughter to or from school everyone wants to be involved, leaving someone out will caused bruised feelings. Everyone in tight quarters while packing and unpacking creates a situation just waiting for someone to say something inappropriate of for something to get taken the wrong way and then things go down hill quickly.

The solution(and it ain't a magic bullet), is for the adults to be just that ....Adults.  Remembering that we are there for the kids, that arguments among the adults just makes the kids uncomfortable and no good can come from it.  No kid, no matter their ages wants anything to do with their parents or step parents fighting. when fragmented families get together kids can sense the tension immediately, they know the parents don't want to be in the same room, if they did, they would still be together.

Like I said, the only way to get through this is to be an adult, be a good example to your kids. Take the pressure off them by behaving and being polite.  Be a good example to them of putting someone else needs ahead of your own feelings.

When everything is done you can go home and vent frustration in a productive way.