Family events become work.

Hello All

Dealing with events that involve all members of the family, including new spouses can be tricky, complicated and just more work.  This is especially amplified when not everyone gets along.

Lets face it, family events are stressful enough as it is, throw in the extra dimension of people who may not get along and things go from bad to worse. When it is things like moving a Son or Daughter to or from school everyone wants to be involved, leaving someone out will caused bruised feelings. Everyone in tight quarters while packing and unpacking creates a situation just waiting for someone to say something inappropriate of for something to get taken the wrong way and then things go down hill quickly.

The solution(and it ain't a magic bullet), is for the adults to be just that ....Adults.  Remembering that we are there for the kids, that arguments among the adults just makes the kids uncomfortable and no good can come from it.  No kid, no matter their ages wants anything to do with their parents or step parents fighting. when fragmented families get together kids can sense the tension immediately, they know the parents don't want to be in the same room, if they did, they would still be together.

Like I said, the only way to get through this is to be an adult, be a good example to your kids. Take the pressure off them by behaving and being polite.  Be a good example to them of putting someone else needs ahead of your own feelings.

When everything is done you can go home and vent frustration in a productive way.

everyone profits except the poor people who are involved

It can never be understated the financial devastation(and that is not too strong a word) that divorce causes.  There are so many people/business that profit from a family splitting up, it seems everyone profits except the poor people who are involved in the situation and suffering the worst.

When  I have had this discussion before the first thing people jump on is the lawyers.  I have no issues with the job they do, they are there to insure that everything is done civilly and that no one gets taken advantage of.  So, this is article is not to beat up on lawyers.  I don’t hate them, and I don’t love them, they do their jobs as required.  The less I see of them the better and it is for me and my pocket book.  If your spend thousands of dollars on a divorce lawyer that is not their fault, that is yours.

As the family is dissolved the expenses go up and suddenly you need two of everything.  A family together has 1 home phone, 1 cable bill, 1 electric bill, 1 heating bill, has 1 bank account, 1 home insurance policy, pays 1 property tax bill. The one or two incomes coming into the one house pays for all this.

When a family splits up usually the one home is sold and two homes are bought.  Now the income pool is still exactly the same, but it is now paying for 2 home phone, 2 cable bill, 2 electric bill, 2 heating bill, pays fees for 2 bank account, 2 home insurance policy, pays 2 property tax bills, 2 mortgages, furniture for 2 houses…….. see where I am going for this?

So many companies that would normally sell their goods/services to one family now get to sell to two.  Parents feed into this as well because I know when I started out on my own that if they kids had something at Mom’s I had to have it at my place.

So the expenses have doubled, the income has not. And this is something that unless the Lotto God’s smile on you that you will never recover from.

How I have Changed in 6 years

Hello All

It is amazing how looking back how much I have changed over the past 6 years, when I was in the middle of it I didn't realise what was going on, or that it was even happening. I wish I could take credit for it being part of my grand plan but a lot of it was just dumb luck.

Here are 4 different situation that happen and how my reaction has changed.


Situation 1: Kids were not coming over for the weekend.

Before, OMG, what did I do wrong, don't they love me any more, They have to come over it is my weekend. What did my X tell them.

Now, Glad they are having fun and busy doing something that interest them, I know they still love me, it has nothing to do with the X.

Situation 2: Kids having Fun with the X

Before, I have to think of a way to be more fun then her, why don't they have fun with me, they have forgotten about me and don't love me any more.

Now, Glad they are having a good time with their Mom.

Situation 3: Did hear from the Kids for a few days

Before, they don't want to talk to me anymore, they don't love me, what did my X say to them to cause this, what have I done wrong?

Now, Glad they have their won lives and interests to keep them busy and they have friends to hang out with.

Situation 4: Home alone

Before, I am so lonely, what have I done to deserve this?

Now, Time to clean the house, walk the dogs and then relax and have a Beer.


My have things changed.

How do you explain to your kids that it would have been worse if we stayed together

Hello

I can talk fairly easily to my X now, as long as we avoid talking about the our personal past together and avoid discuss that involves laying blame for who did what.  It is done, and no amount of arguing will change anything or make any difference other then raising both our blood pressures.

Being single parents does make aspects of life more difficult, financially it is harder and there is more demands on your time when you are with the kids when they are younger.

But, both my X and I agree that if we stayed together things would have been way worse. We are both happy now, enjoy life with and without the kids, we both struggled for quite a while adjusting to not having the kids around.  Now we are both okay.  We are both confident that if we stayed together the atmosphere in the house would be intolerable. I am confident that the fights would be none stop and both of us would have been tense all the time.

But how do you explain to the kids.  Kids will believe that everything would have been great if my parents stayed together. Part of that is true, I believe a 2 parent family is better IF and only IF the parents get along.  If they can't it is worse, I believe way worse.

I have tried very hard through this entire adventure to divorce to never bad mouth the kids Mother. I think that has given the kids the impression that everything was good between me and my X.

How do I explain to them that it would have been terrible if the two of us were under the same roof.