looking back, man did I over compensate

I will admit now that I way over compensated during the early years of the divorce and tried to do to much for the kids.  By doing this I robbed them of the opportunity to learn how to do things on their own and grow as individuals into young self sufficient adults.

I did everything for then, never asking them to help out around the house, never demanding them to do chores around the house.  I felt so bad for what was happening to their world that I felt by asking them to help around the house that they would leave and not want to spend time with me.  Looking back now I realise what a mistake that was, I wasn't helping them I was hurting them in the long run.

Things they should have learned 3 or 4 years ago they are now just coming to grips with and learning how to do.  It took me being secure and confident with my position as "Dad" to now be able to assert my authority and demand that they participate in the running of a house hold. Holding them to task that things get done with out fear that they will leave me and run away to Mom, and if they do that being confident enough to know they will be back.

I thought I was doing the kids a favour by not making them do work around the house but the complete opposite is true.  I was creating kids who were reliant on me for everything instead of creating kids that we self sufficient.  Being reliant on me caused me great stress as I tried to be everything to everyone and caused the kids frustration because they constantly had to wait for me.
I would become more and more frustrated being pulled in multiple directs as they were frustrated and the bi-product was a very unhappy home where tensions always seemed very high.

I was trying to be their friend instead of being a strong parent.

It is a Long Road back

Hello

Does time heal all wounds.....no, but you do learn to live with the pain and it becomes a new reality.

I honestly don't believe that pain that has been caused to my kids due to my divorce and everything that went down for years after will every be completely gone or healed.  I have watched the kids develop issue as they struggled to deal with the divorce and seen how their behaviour changed.  As time passed I have been able to correct some of the behaviours but it requires time and an incredible amount of patience.

I don't think my kids have a true sense of "home", their personal effects are spread between 2 houses, and now that they are away at school it is divided between 3 places.  They don't have one place that they can describe as "their room" a personal sanctuary that is all theirs, that they grew up in, a place that provides stability. When they can't find something and ask me if I know where it is and I have to answer...."its at your mother place".  I hate having to say that, sometimes it is like they are nomads going from one house to another.

What makes it even worse is when there are different rules and routines at each house.  This causes constant friction with the kids.  The "x" and I do not agree on a lot of the rules, add this no to the introduction of a step mother with her own ideas on how a house hold should run and things become complicated.  I feel for my kids when it comes to this, constantly having to adapt to different rules and never feeling like they have a true home.

As much as I try and make a environment that feels like home it is difficult to create that environment.