Just because you love a new partner does not mean your kids will

Hello


I have a new love in my life, I love her but it doesn't mean that my kids will, in fact there is a really good chance they won't.   But that is okay.

The worst thing you can do is to become frustrated or angry at your kids for not feeling the same way towards your new partner as you do. you can't force love and if you try what will likely happen is your will make it even worse.  Let face it, it works both ways, my kids have friends they like and I really don't.

If your lucky everyone will get along and cohabitation will go semi smoothly.  This will vary with the age of the kids, toddlers will be easier them hormonal teens.

the key is not to force it, there will be time you do stuff with your kids and your new partner will not be involved, and that is fine.  You will do things with your new partner and not the kids and that is equally fine.

Your new partner can't take it personally if the kids don't want to be around them all the time.  Even as parents there are plenty of time that our kids don't want to be around us.

You can't force a happy home life.  family dynamics change and sometimes they ae good and other times it is awful.  the key is to let things develop on their own.  Only stepping in if someone is being rude or disrespectful.

Parenting is a journey not a destination

Hello

One mistake I made early on when I just got divorced was to over react when my kids were doing the slights thing that didn't seem "right"  I was over analysing they every mood, their very habit or action. Not realising that a single day in a bad mood was going to have absolutely zero effect on how they were going to grow up to be adults.  If they were going through a phase where they were slobs or dressed weird it was just that...... a phase and didn't need to be immediately corrected. if left alone the phase would pass in time and just be a funny story after time had past.  Immediately trying to correct the behaviour would make the kids rebel and entrench it even further.

We expect our kids to be perfect all the time otherwise we start thinking it is a reaction to the divorce instead of realising it is just a phase they are going through.  Kids need the ability and time to "find themselves" a chance to discover who they are and develop personality.  Correcting them at every turns ensure they will never develop skills to be on there own and make life choices on there own.

Kids now a days(and I am so guilty of it) are overly Micro Managed.  If our bosses Micro Managed us like we do out kids I am confident we would all quit our jobs. If just puts incredible pressure on these kids to not screw up. they are so worried about making a mistake that they may not try.  They need to make mistakes to learn.

I have learned to back off with them, I realise that even if they are mad at me, or don't want to see me it is just a phase.  I give them time and space and they eventually do the right thing(usually after doing it wrong the first time).  They are learning, I tell them all the time that they need to make decisions on their own, I am here to provide advice if they want it, but only if they want it.

It is hard, but i am getting there....and so are they.

Many many parents(including myself) over compensate

Hello All,

Many many parents(including myself) over compensate when it comes to their kids to make up for the pain and turmoil caused by divorce. We feel guilty for what has happened. We try and do too much for them because we are so worried that if we are strict parents that we will lose our kids to the former spouse.  It can develop into a battle between the two “X”’s to see who is the “cool” parent.  All the while the kids are not learning discipline and are not being taught the lessons of life and to be self-sufficient.

As parents we loose long term perspective on raising kids, we think they have to be perfect all the time and happy.  Kid wakes up one morning sad and we think the needs to be on meds or go to the therapist.  this is a topic all on its on which I will get to next time....or the time after that.

back to the topic at hand.

On top of this I have also discovered another area where kids are lacking because of this over compensation by parents..  They can’t handle friendly ribbing, busting balls, busting each other chops…..whatever you want to call it.  They are so use to being told how great they are that they don’t know how to handle good natured ribbing, they are incapable of laughing at themselves.  

As you go through life you will make mistakes, be embarrassed, screw things up and if you can't laugh at yourself and take the ribbing you will not survive.  You have to be able to handle it as well as you dish it out.

It is a true art to not only be able to throughout a verbal barb but to be able to take one and laugh it off and fire back a witty comment.  This is a learned skill, you pick up from parents and friends. 

Prior to the split up I would poke fun at my kids(not in a mean way) and they would do the same to me.  Once the divorce happened I stopped doing it because I was so worried.  This was a complete disservice to them.  

I have luckily be able to repair not only my relationship with them but also my own self confidence that the kids(actually young adults now) can joke around once again.