Confidence in myself

Hello

There has been a very steady change in the relationship I have with my kids.  The actually physical distance between us has grown because they are off at school but the emotional distance has gotten smaller.

We talk more often, they call/text me now as much as I call/text them.  Up until a few months ago it was always me reaching out to them.

I noticed this change and I started to question why, what had changed, why were we closer when we were further apart.

Once again, it comes down to me growing and changing.

I had finally gained the self confidence to be myself, to stop constantly wondering if the kids were okay. I stopped the constantly asking if they were okay and if I could do anything for them.  I stopping worrying that if I was myself that I would some how piss them off.

I had to stop worrying about doing or saying something wrong, that if I did some how I would stop being there Dad.

Once I went back to being the person/Dad I was before things started to normalise between the kids and I.  I stopped walking on egg shells around them.  I was okay to laugh again, joke with them and just be myself.

A simple answer but so hard to do.

looking back, man did I over compensate

I will admit now that I way over compensated during the early years of the divorce and tried to do to much for the kids.  By doing this I robbed them of the opportunity to learn how to do things on their own and grow as individuals into young self sufficient adults.

I did everything for then, never asking them to help out around the house, never demanding them to do chores around the house.  I felt so bad for what was happening to their world that I felt by asking them to help around the house that they would leave and not want to spend time with me.  Looking back now I realise what a mistake that was, I wasn't helping them I was hurting them in the long run.

Things they should have learned 3 or 4 years ago they are now just coming to grips with and learning how to do.  It took me being secure and confident with my position as "Dad" to now be able to assert my authority and demand that they participate in the running of a house hold. Holding them to task that things get done with out fear that they will leave me and run away to Mom, and if they do that being confident enough to know they will be back.

I thought I was doing the kids a favour by not making them do work around the house but the complete opposite is true.  I was creating kids who were reliant on me for everything instead of creating kids that we self sufficient.  Being reliant on me caused me great stress as I tried to be everything to everyone and caused the kids frustration because they constantly had to wait for me.
I would become more and more frustrated being pulled in multiple directs as they were frustrated and the bi-product was a very unhappy home where tensions always seemed very high.

I was trying to be their friend instead of being a strong parent.

It is a Long Road back

Hello

Does time heal all wounds.....no, but you do learn to live with the pain and it becomes a new reality.

I honestly don't believe that pain that has been caused to my kids due to my divorce and everything that went down for years after will every be completely gone or healed.  I have watched the kids develop issue as they struggled to deal with the divorce and seen how their behaviour changed.  As time passed I have been able to correct some of the behaviours but it requires time and an incredible amount of patience.

I don't think my kids have a true sense of "home", their personal effects are spread between 2 houses, and now that they are away at school it is divided between 3 places.  They don't have one place that they can describe as "their room" a personal sanctuary that is all theirs, that they grew up in, a place that provides stability. When they can't find something and ask me if I know where it is and I have to answer...."its at your mother place".  I hate having to say that, sometimes it is like they are nomads going from one house to another.

What makes it even worse is when there are different rules and routines at each house.  This causes constant friction with the kids.  The "x" and I do not agree on a lot of the rules, add this no to the introduction of a step mother with her own ideas on how a house hold should run and things become complicated.  I feel for my kids when it comes to this, constantly having to adapt to different rules and never feeling like they have a true home.

As much as I try and make a environment that feels like home it is difficult to create that environment.

When does your responsibility to your "x" end, if ever.

Hello

So at what point does the welfare of my X no longer effect me or my life? Or, because she is the mother of my children does this go on forever.

I guess I am just frustrated because she didn't want to be with me but when things get difficult I am the one she calls.  I give advice about moving on with her life and not living for the kids but she doesn't listen to me.  She never listens to any of my advice and then calls and wonders why things go wrong.

the kids worry about her and I have to go investigate what is wrong to calm them down and reasurre them that everything is fine.

it is just frustrating and all I am doing is venting.

Hello

I am always struggling with the time I lost with the kids.  I missed so much of their high school years. Time that I should have been there helping them grow and understand life.  Teaching them social skill and being there for the good times and the bad.  As they struggled through school I had to hear about things second hand or days after they occurred.  I missed hearing about first girlfriends/boyfriends, seeing them off on dates, being there to comfort after a hard day.

The cost of divorce in financial terms is tough, but money can be made up, time missed with kids can never be made up.  I am not suggesting at any point that if the marriage would have continued it would have been better, i am confident it would have been even harder on the kids.  what I am saying is before having kids I should have found someone more compatible with me.

I desperately try and make up ground now, but as the kids are older and off at school it beomes even more difficult because I see them less and less and having heart to heart talks are tough over the phone.

I do take great pride in the small victories, when I do geth through to them and coach them in the right direction.

I know it is hard on them as well, splitting times between to homes, not having one place to go to with all their stuff.  constantly packing up and unpacking.

I wonder sometimes what long term effect this will have on them, will they ever be able to settle down and relax in one place or will they always feel like they have to move.

Thinking of jumping from one relationship to the next............Don't

I was sure I met the woman I was meant to be with.  I was married at the time with two young kids, things were bad at home.  I was lonely and unhappy.  A chance meeting on the train commute home and I was sure I had found the woman I was meant to be with. She made me laugh, was nice to me, We talked/emailed/texted endlessly, the sexual tension was incredible.  We wanted to be together, our desire to be with each other lead to the end of our marriages.  It was not an easy ending, lots of pain, struggles and difficult times.
But finally we were both free, we could be together finally.

Then reality kicked in, the excitement of sneaking around and forbidden love was gone. She realized first that she didn't want to be with me, I was not what she was looking for, and I realized the same soon after.  Now, after a whirl wind affair, and the destruction of our marriages we are barely friends, maybe twice a year running into each other.  What ever we once had is gone. yet the damage that was done, the issues with kids, the financial devastation will remain forever.

Do I regret the end of my marriage?,...no. Do I have great regrets on how it ended, the pain and the lies and deceit.......definitely.  

Mainly I am more disappointed in myself that at the time I thought could simply walk out of one relationship into another and everything and everyone would be okay with it. Some would say "love is blind", in this case Love was Stupid.

Relationships, especially ones involving kids are not like getting a new car.  you can't just drop off an old spouses and drive out with a new one the same day.

For those of you reading this, who are going through the same thing thinking,..."oh my situation is different, we really love each other"..... your wrong.

until next time.