Many many parents(including myself) over compensate

Hello All,

Many many parents(including myself) over compensate when it comes to their kids to make up for the pain and turmoil caused by divorce. We feel guilty for what has happened. We try and do too much for them because we are so worried that if we are strict parents that we will lose our kids to the former spouse.  It can develop into a battle between the two “X”’s to see who is the “cool” parent.  All the while the kids are not learning discipline and are not being taught the lessons of life and to be self-sufficient.

As parents we loose long term perspective on raising kids, we think they have to be perfect all the time and happy.  Kid wakes up one morning sad and we think the needs to be on meds or go to the therapist.  this is a topic all on its on which I will get to next time....or the time after that.

back to the topic at hand.

On top of this I have also discovered another area where kids are lacking because of this over compensation by parents..  They can’t handle friendly ribbing, busting balls, busting each other chops…..whatever you want to call it.  They are so use to being told how great they are that they don’t know how to handle good natured ribbing, they are incapable of laughing at themselves.  

As you go through life you will make mistakes, be embarrassed, screw things up and if you can't laugh at yourself and take the ribbing you will not survive.  You have to be able to handle it as well as you dish it out.

It is a true art to not only be able to throughout a verbal barb but to be able to take one and laugh it off and fire back a witty comment.  This is a learned skill, you pick up from parents and friends. 

Prior to the split up I would poke fun at my kids(not in a mean way) and they would do the same to me.  Once the divorce happened I stopped doing it because I was so worried.  This was a complete disservice to them.  

I have luckily be able to repair not only my relationship with them but also my own self confidence that the kids(actually young adults now) can joke around once again.

  

Old Habits are hard to Break

Some Habits die hard.

I have an issue of always trying to keep the peace, Must always keep the peace,....at all cost. Well, the only real cost is that I run myself ragged trying to accomplish this.

It took me a long time to realise that if my kids or wife get mad at me about something it doesn't mean that they are going to leave me. Getting mad is not the issue, it is how it is handled.  I unfortunately thought that avoiding situations that would upset someone was the best way to go.....boy was I wrong. it eventually just makes things worse...way worse.

So when I started a new relationship, and rebuilt my relationship with the kids I was honest even if it meant upsetting them.  I wan't mean, just honest, if I didn't like something they did I told them, in the past I just would have held it inside.

I worked hard at it, got much better. Lately I found myself falling on bad habits again. Its like when you stop going to the gym or cheat on a diet. We all do it, it is so easy to go back to something familiar no matter how dysfunctional or counter productive it is.

So I am back on the wagon so to speak, back to better habits, honesty and not being afraid to express what I feel, as long as it is done respectfully.

don't be fooled

Hello

So, things are good with my X currently. it might be because she lives an hours drive from me, might be because we only talk a couple time s a week and it is only about the kids.

I have friends who comment on how good things are with their X spouse and maybe they should have stayed together.  Don't be fooled the only reason things are good is because yo are not together and there is distance now.

get to the point where you can be okay with the X and there is no more burning anger or animosity not only brings down your blood pressure but more importantly it take pressure off the kids.

If the parents are health and happy the kids will follow your lead and get there as well. I am not saying that it will solve all problems, kids will still have issues dealing with a broken home but it goes a long way to getting them to a better place.  If you are healthy,happy and independent your kids won't worry about you of feel that they have to care for you.  Kids need to be kids, they don't need to be worrying if one or both of their parents are okay.

Once my kid stopped worrying about me and my X, once they saw that we were okay they went back to being young adults and you could see them grow and mature as people.  Kids can't grow up and enjoy their lives and experience things as they should if they are worrying about their parent(s).

So, put the bitterness behind you, you can't change the past and don't waste the time you have tiring to change it...you can't.

do yourself and your kids a favour, forgive, forget and start to enjoy again.

Confidence in myself

Hello

There has been a very steady change in the relationship I have with my kids.  The actually physical distance between us has grown because they are off at school but the emotional distance has gotten smaller.

We talk more often, they call/text me now as much as I call/text them.  Up until a few months ago it was always me reaching out to them.

I noticed this change and I started to question why, what had changed, why were we closer when we were further apart.

Once again, it comes down to me growing and changing.

I had finally gained the self confidence to be myself, to stop constantly wondering if the kids were okay. I stopped the constantly asking if they were okay and if I could do anything for them.  I stopping worrying that if I was myself that I would some how piss them off.

I had to stop worrying about doing or saying something wrong, that if I did some how I would stop being there Dad.

Once I went back to being the person/Dad I was before things started to normalise between the kids and I.  I stopped walking on egg shells around them.  I was okay to laugh again, joke with them and just be myself.

A simple answer but so hard to do.

looking back, man did I over compensate

I will admit now that I way over compensated during the early years of the divorce and tried to do to much for the kids.  By doing this I robbed them of the opportunity to learn how to do things on their own and grow as individuals into young self sufficient adults.

I did everything for then, never asking them to help out around the house, never demanding them to do chores around the house.  I felt so bad for what was happening to their world that I felt by asking them to help around the house that they would leave and not want to spend time with me.  Looking back now I realise what a mistake that was, I wasn't helping them I was hurting them in the long run.

Things they should have learned 3 or 4 years ago they are now just coming to grips with and learning how to do.  It took me being secure and confident with my position as "Dad" to now be able to assert my authority and demand that they participate in the running of a house hold. Holding them to task that things get done with out fear that they will leave me and run away to Mom, and if they do that being confident enough to know they will be back.

I thought I was doing the kids a favour by not making them do work around the house but the complete opposite is true.  I was creating kids who were reliant on me for everything instead of creating kids that we self sufficient.  Being reliant on me caused me great stress as I tried to be everything to everyone and caused the kids frustration because they constantly had to wait for me.
I would become more and more frustrated being pulled in multiple directs as they were frustrated and the bi-product was a very unhappy home where tensions always seemed very high.

I was trying to be their friend instead of being a strong parent.

It is a Long Road back

Hello

Does time heal all wounds.....no, but you do learn to live with the pain and it becomes a new reality.

I honestly don't believe that pain that has been caused to my kids due to my divorce and everything that went down for years after will every be completely gone or healed.  I have watched the kids develop issue as they struggled to deal with the divorce and seen how their behaviour changed.  As time passed I have been able to correct some of the behaviours but it requires time and an incredible amount of patience.

I don't think my kids have a true sense of "home", their personal effects are spread between 2 houses, and now that they are away at school it is divided between 3 places.  They don't have one place that they can describe as "their room" a personal sanctuary that is all theirs, that they grew up in, a place that provides stability. When they can't find something and ask me if I know where it is and I have to answer...."its at your mother place".  I hate having to say that, sometimes it is like they are nomads going from one house to another.

What makes it even worse is when there are different rules and routines at each house.  This causes constant friction with the kids.  The "x" and I do not agree on a lot of the rules, add this no to the introduction of a step mother with her own ideas on how a house hold should run and things become complicated.  I feel for my kids when it comes to this, constantly having to adapt to different rules and never feeling like they have a true home.

As much as I try and make a environment that feels like home it is difficult to create that environment.

When does your responsibility to your "x" end, if ever.

Hello

So at what point does the welfare of my X no longer effect me or my life? Or, because she is the mother of my children does this go on forever.

I guess I am just frustrated because she didn't want to be with me but when things get difficult I am the one she calls.  I give advice about moving on with her life and not living for the kids but she doesn't listen to me.  She never listens to any of my advice and then calls and wonders why things go wrong.

the kids worry about her and I have to go investigate what is wrong to calm them down and reasurre them that everything is fine.

it is just frustrating and all I am doing is venting.