Hello

I am always struggling with the time I lost with the kids.  I missed so much of their high school years. Time that I should have been there helping them grow and understand life.  Teaching them social skill and being there for the good times and the bad.  As they struggled through school I had to hear about things second hand or days after they occurred.  I missed hearing about first girlfriends/boyfriends, seeing them off on dates, being there to comfort after a hard day.

The cost of divorce in financial terms is tough, but money can be made up, time missed with kids can never be made up.  I am not suggesting at any point that if the marriage would have continued it would have been better, i am confident it would have been even harder on the kids.  what I am saying is before having kids I should have found someone more compatible with me.

I desperately try and make up ground now, but as the kids are older and off at school it beomes even more difficult because I see them less and less and having heart to heart talks are tough over the phone.

I do take great pride in the small victories, when I do geth through to them and coach them in the right direction.

I know it is hard on them as well, splitting times between to homes, not having one place to go to with all their stuff.  constantly packing up and unpacking.

I wonder sometimes what long term effect this will have on them, will they ever be able to settle down and relax in one place or will they always feel like they have to move.

Thinking of jumping from one relationship to the next............Don't

I was sure I met the woman I was meant to be with.  I was married at the time with two young kids, things were bad at home.  I was lonely and unhappy.  A chance meeting on the train commute home and I was sure I had found the woman I was meant to be with. She made me laugh, was nice to me, We talked/emailed/texted endlessly, the sexual tension was incredible.  We wanted to be together, our desire to be with each other lead to the end of our marriages.  It was not an easy ending, lots of pain, struggles and difficult times.
But finally we were both free, we could be together finally.

Then reality kicked in, the excitement of sneaking around and forbidden love was gone. She realized first that she didn't want to be with me, I was not what she was looking for, and I realized the same soon after.  Now, after a whirl wind affair, and the destruction of our marriages we are barely friends, maybe twice a year running into each other.  What ever we once had is gone. yet the damage that was done, the issues with kids, the financial devastation will remain forever.

Do I regret the end of my marriage?,...no. Do I have great regrets on how it ended, the pain and the lies and deceit.......definitely.  

Mainly I am more disappointed in myself that at the time I thought could simply walk out of one relationship into another and everything and everyone would be okay with it. Some would say "love is blind", in this case Love was Stupid.

Relationships, especially ones involving kids are not like getting a new car.  you can't just drop off an old spouses and drive out with a new one the same day.

For those of you reading this, who are going through the same thing thinking,..."oh my situation is different, we really love each other"..... your wrong.

until next time.

The kids will adapt.

Going through a separation people will tell you,...the kids will be fine,...the kids will adapt,.... the kids want you to be happy,...the kids will understand.  A lot of people will have a lot of opinions(present company included), but your kid(s) are individuals and how they react to will depend on the individual.

The one thing I can guarantee is the experience of living though their parents separating will change them.  No child wants their parents to break up.

I am not saying it is all dome and gloom concerning the kids but it will effect them.  The key is, like with any relationship communication.  It has to be good communication, not bad mouthing your x-spouse.  Don't expect the communication to be there immediately, it takes time for the kids adjust to the new reality of life with parents in separate house holds.  Just stick with it.

In my case it took several years for the communication to come back.  I had to get my life back together first, get ride of the hate and animosity.  You can't expect the kid(s) to open up and be at peace if you aren't at peace.  If you want them to adapt, to come to terms with what has happend them you have to lead by example and make peace with what has happened.

I am Back

Hello

I started this blog about 5 years ago as a way to vent frustration and tell my story as I was going through a separation and eventually divorce.  After about 6 months of posting I stopped,  I was laid off from work, i was living with a friend because I was forced to sell my house and could not find anywhere to live. I was away from my kids and that hurt the most.

Much has changed over the past 5 years or so.A am closer with my kids now I think then I was when I was married to their Mom.  I have grow, significantly.  I have come to grips that I made many mistakes, I have learned from them and also cherries the memories of the good times.

I plan on rolling back time in this blog back to when things were not so good and go over what I have learned and what got me here.  It is a tail of a lonely bitter man who has changed, has a wonderful woman in his life and how my kids struggled with the separation/divorce, how it effected them and how they now seem to be coming around. It is also a story of how the kids Mom and me went from not being able to stand being in the same room as each other to being good friends now who talk regularly.

The one thing I have learned through this adventure is that Hate is such a terrible emotion, it is a lazy persons emotion.  It is amazing how once hate consumes you life becomes a struggle, you become completely unproductive as a human.  I was that person, I look back now and think............what a waste of time.  everything was my x-wife's fault, some was, but not everything like I thought it was at the time.

I feel terrible for how my kids have suffered because of the divorces as well.  As much as my x-wife and I tried to hide of bitterness towards each other from the kids, and not fight in front of them I am sure they could sense it, feel it.  Both their grades suffered in school,  there was eating issues that started, drug issues, brother and sister stopped talking to each other. Both of them suffer from anxiety issues and self confidence has also suffered.

Anyways, enough for a first post.  I am back to this, and will post regularly.

I think I might be ready

I think that I might be ready to date, to get involved with someone.  Nothing overly serious at first but it would be nice to have some adult company to go to the movies and other things.

I am just not sure how to approach it with my kids,  how do you tell your kids that you are dating,  or should I even bother saying anything until I am serious about someone.

I do have this great fear that if I start dating that the kids might resent it and I will have to make a choice between a girl friend and my kids.  I know who wins that battle but I just don't want to be put in that position.  I think this is the one thing that has held me back from dating up to this point....how will the kids react.  I am probably worrying to much about it, I am making a mountain out of a mole hill I am sure,...but still it is on my mind.

I just worry that the kids will resent anyone that I am seeing, that they might blame her for the separation, I know that is not true, but is just what I worry about.

Maybe I don't give the kids enough credit for being grown up,  they are teenagers, they are not babies anymore that is for sure.

I guess I have to get on with life, waiting for the kids to grow up and leave home is really putting my life on hold.

You can't rush the healing

Hello All

One thing I have learned over the past year and few months being separated is that you can't rush the healing process. 

Lots of people when they are newly separated want to rush getting their lives back to what it once was.  My advice is don't.  Don't rush into dating, definitely don't rush into another relationship. Don't rush to buy items or new house or new car right away.  You have to settle into the new reality that is your life.  You have to give it time.  When I say time, it is not measured in days, or weeks, or months....it is measured in Years.

The temptation is to jump out there and show everyone that you are fine,...that you are happy, that the separation was the best thing to happen to you,..that you are reborn.  What ever you want to call it, it is just over compensating and eventually reality will kick in.  You are much better off to admit to friends that it is challenging being on your own, there are good points and bad.  That you are slowly adjusting to the new reality that is your life.  In the long run this is the better route to take, and your friends will respect you more for being honest with them, and more importantly honest with yourself. 

The biggest thing is don't get into a relationship with someone right away.  I tried, I thought that it was what I wanted, I was disappointed when it didn't work out.  But now, I am so thankful it didn't, it would have ended up as a disaster for sure.  So many people do it, and I can't really blame them because being lonely is a terrible thing, and makes you do stupid things.  You don't need to prove to other people that you are a good person by being able to get into another relationship right away.

As time passes you will notice that there are days that you are truly happy,  that you will have a smile on your face because you feel good.  An honest smile that is not forced to prove to people you are happy.  A feeling of internal joy that radiates out and it is because you realized you have made it.  You have taken on the challenges of being single(again) and although you probably stumbled a few times you have gotten your act together and it is all working out.

When this happens, and it will, don't be afraid to pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for making this far.  There is still plenty to go through, but the worst is definitely over

Have a good weekend everyone.

Holiday Season is done

Well the holiday season is done and now it is back to the grind, schedules are back to normal and now we just try and get thru the winter and wait for the warmer weather to show up in about 3 months.

A part of me is happy the holidays are done.  Everything about the holidays is designed for the typical family.  When your family is split due to separation it is difficult to get in the mood.  Every image on TV or in the media is all about 2 parents and kids all living in the same house and getting along.  Not the case in real life.

I think the holiday season is the biggest casualty of separation/divorce.  It may get better as years pass but currently when things are still pretty fresh there are to many other emotion happening to loose yourself in the holiday spirit.  A single parent just does not get the time to relax and enjoy things.  Adding to the stress is the extra strain on the budget that is already stressed to the limit trying to pay Child Support and Spousal Support. I love to give to my kids but I also have to make sure my bills get paid.

I had fun on New Years,  well at least until midnight came.  It is hard being out with all couples and being the only single person at the party.  As much as I enjoy the time I have with my friends I find it harder and harder to spend time with all married people.  I need to find more single friends, not for dating but just hanging out with and spending time with.

I didn't make any resolutions this year,  if I was to make one it is to continue on the up swing I have been on.  Things are better then last year and I hope this time next year it will be even better.  If I can remain employed for the next couple years I should be on a much more firm financial footing and be prepared to pay for post secondary education for my son in a couple years.

Speaking of work,....better get back to it.

have a great day, talk to you soon.