where does the time go?

It is truly amazing as you look back on the lives of your kids how fast it seems to have gone past.  It is just a blur from birth to when they start school, high school seemed to go past in a blink, College, University done and now off into the working world.  In retrospect it seems to have gone past so quickly, yet, I remember being in the middle of a issue or problem with then and thinking at the time….”will this ever change?”

Yeah, memory is a funny thing, when looking back the highs weren’t so high and the lows were not that low.  Problems that seemed major at the time are trivial now.  Back then it seemed there was no solution and now we remember how quickly it was fix.

Although the process of kids growing up and maturing is spread over decades, it seems now it was spread over days.

The stuff that caused sleepless night now are looked back as good life lessons that were learned.

Passing the tourch

Hello all

As a single parent when you have the kids you are it, everything passes through you, all decisions, all planning ....everything.  It can ex exhausting but giving up control can be difficult but it is necessary if things are going to continue to move forward.

I will admit I have struggled with this, I am use to being the guy that"fixes everything".  Kids have an issue or looking for permission I decide.  Which is fine and dandy when you're on your own, less so when you have a partner.  Leaving your partner out of the decision process can make them feel like and

Summer Half Done

Hello

Well, summer is half done and all is good.  I think this has by far been the smoothest that a summer has run since I started living with my new love and now wife.  Although tragity did happen with the passing of out family dog but over all things have been great.

I have been trying to figure out why, what has changed.  The participants are all the same, the location is the same….what changed.

The only thing I can really come up with is that time has passed and all of us are learning more and more about each other and how better to work as a team how to look past our differences and focus more what we have in common.

I will say one thing that has really helped is that my wife and I insist that we all eat dinner together.  Breakfast and lunch are whenever you want it but dinner is required to sit down and have together. 

There is a lot of true to the old saying that breaking bread together brings people and families together.  There has been more than a few dinners where the conversation with nothing more then what the weather was like but at least we were all together.

We have also told the kids that they are always welcome to invite a friend to dinner as well.  This helps create a fun atmosphere and the conversation is always more lively.

New Love and Teenage Kids

Hello

So now that my divorce is 6 years in my rear view mirror I have been fortunate enough to find someone new.  When you are single and in your 20's and you meet someone new and fall in love it is very simple.  When you have an ex-wife, kids, it is considerably more complicated.  Dealing with different personalities and ghost from your past that can(and will) cause issues.

Just because you love the new person in your life and you love your kids does not guaranty they will feel the same way about each other. If you are lucky they will get along and become friends and be able to live under the same roof.

There will be growing pains, and with that there will be times you really feel like the "monkey in the middle".  Your new love with talk to you when she has issues with the kids, the kids will talk to you when they have and issue with your new love, your "ex" will talk to you if she has issues with the kids or your new love......see what I am getting at????  You can avoid a lot of stress if you can get your kids and your new love to talk to each other..............constructively.  Sounds simple when you say it, it is tough to implement.

The big thing is getting them to respect each other and understand that learning to get along makes everyones lives easier and more peaceful.... I like peaceful.

I explained to the kids that my my new wife wasn't going anywhere and to my new wife that the kids are going away either. So the only solution is to learn to get along, and that start with respectful conversation and give and take when living together.  We all have different personalities and likes and dislikes, lets respect those.

It take baby steps for sure, but it is something that grows as it picks up momentum

It is a constant struggle, it requires work.

My Dog

Hello All

I had to put my dog down a couple weeks ago, I don’t think I have ever mentioned him in this blog.  He was my constant companion, he got me through some of the darkest days I have ever had to survive.  

He was always there for me, keep me going, keep me moving.  Unemployed, in a new neighbourhood, without my kids, in an empty house he was there with me.  He gave me a reason to get up in the morning, to get on with life.  When my relationship with the kids was at its worse he was the one connecting bound we could all agree on.

Generally in my post I talk about relationships with the kids and the x-wife.  Now that my dog is done I never realised at the time what a huge part in the healing process out dog played.  As things fell apart in my family our dog was the one thing we could agree on. We would always rally around him, the x-wife was always happy to help out and take care of him.  Bringing the dog with me the kids were always happy to see me when I had him with me.

As I look back now I can't help but think that much of the recovery that has happened is due to our four legged furry friend.   He was the one thing that bound us together.  When conversation was strained a story about what he had been up to always brought smiles to everyone face and broke and tension.

I am sure I will write more about the influence he had on our lives as I look back and Remember.

Top 5 things I had completely wrong when getting Divorced

There are a lot of thing I was told or  believe when I was going into my Separation/Divorce that over time you realised were completely wrong.


1. I will bounce back quick Financially
Oh, I was so wrong about this, 7 years past and I am still not recovered fully, and I am definitely no where near what I would have been if I made a better choice when I got married. It isn't just the initial cost of separation and divorce, it is the on going expenses of being a single parent that make catching up so very hard.

2. Kids will adapt Quickly
Again...wrong.  It takes time to heal. It can't be rushed no matter how hard I tired.  Each kids is an individual and there are always set backs along the way.


3. Kids will love who ever I love right away
Nope, they won't.  This is a strange coming into their lives and taking time with there parent away from them.  The new person has views and habits the kids are not use to and generally are not willing to adapt to the new person quickly.

3. Life will be the same
Just the opposite. Nothing will be the same, I am not saying it is all bad, just everything will be different.

4. I will be happy right away.
There is initial happiness and excitement, then relativity kicks in, extra work, extra cost, time without kids.  It does get better, but again, it takes longer then you think it will.

What is my purpose

Hello

The the kids continue to grow and get more mature. Other then needing money they are independent.

After almost 2 decades of taking care of them it is like I have no purpose.  I still have to work but when I get home what was the usual drive them around or help them with something it is all gone.  I guess this is the part of life where you have to find a hobby to keep busy and not go nuts.

My big issue is that I get home, have dinner then sit on the couch and have a couple beers.  I have gotten very lazy.  I use to complain there was to much to do and the kids constantly needed somethings.....now I have the complete opposite problem.  I have to much time on my hands.

I am glad they are independent and growing up, it would be worse if they still need me completely, but I really need a hobby now and I don't think beer on the couch qualifies as a hobby.